[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.