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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I like donuts.
Twitter:
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I’ve been learning to cook.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs