wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
No email needs to tell me not to reply.