I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
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Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers