Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”