I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“No way.” -Jose
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.