Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
fr
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty