Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
#titanic
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!