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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
a badder mouse
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.