I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*