People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.