Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
You better watch out
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.