I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
this is what they would have looked like, though
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Saturday
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?