I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding