“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
You Might Also Like
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.