Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar