I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
A bold strategy
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.