Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.