Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Spa day..😅
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.