Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Every haunted house movie:
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.