I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
You Might Also Like
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Wait a minute…
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot