Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.