I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You Might Also Like
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
What the dentist sees
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
every single time
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there