I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first