I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
This meal prepping shit easy
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*cough*
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.