Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Interior design 👌
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom