How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.