Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies