“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner