Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Breaking news:
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Saturday
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”