My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before