I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
You Might Also Like
prepare for carbonated trouble
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*