Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you