1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.