at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese