I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“