I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures