You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM