Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
They also CAN sing✌️
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
my proudest tweet
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be