I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You Might Also Like
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”