*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame