If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
me doing my best
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?