*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes