in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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Nothing to do, you say?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”