FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave