If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges