I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
But is it really??
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
When I laugh on my period
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.