“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.