DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”