GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
You Might Also Like
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Bike for sale
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father